Throughout each of my phases I always end up feeling like nothing can harm me, and I'll never leave it. Well, as it turns out...I do leave the fandom. Some fandoms stay around and some just cause me way to much pain to even over look. But lately I've realized something. I'm the type of girl who sees an ideal man and wants him. But something has become awkward about my patterns.

All over the Korean Pop music fandoms people pledge their love to idols. Some people carve their name on their arms, write blood letters to try to prove their love to the idols. But what would cause a fangirl to do that? Do you think they would be proud to see that floating over the internet? That a girl is willing to almost kill herself to prove her love to an idol? So why do fangirl's fall in love with idols? I think it's because they are, IDOLS. Idols are made to be the perfect guy, and for me it works out.

My heart is always becomes uneasy when I see my idol. But somewhere inside of me I do feel a genuine love for this man who I've never REALLY met. Yeah, I've seen him on stage once..but that's once; and even back then I wasn't really sold into his charisma, his smile, and his personality. I was just fan. Today would be the first time we met. You say that to everybody you meet. I always talk to you with your back facing me. If we blocked everybody's ears, I'm hoping that you would listen to only what I had to say. Seeing you walk away makes me go into a trance state. Far far away you have become a dot--Where can I see you?

I can remember when I first entered the Super Junior fandom. I constantly saw men who were designed to steal womens heart, this is how fanbases grow to massive amounts. In this fandom I honestly thought my heart was sold to a certain man, we'll call him...Henry. I'd watch his performances and get butterflies. I'd see his smile and flip out, hear his voice and want to cry, hear his violin and gush at the flawless noise I heard--But when I saw him live it changed. I don't know if it was the thought that I never actually saw him...close, or it felt like he was ignoring me, but my heart changed. I still get giddy when I see him, but the feeling just isn't the same.

Now, of course, I've been drowning in another fandom getting my thoughts ahead. When I describe my ideal guy...WHAM that's him. I know, I'll never be with him, but making reasons on why I love him (or want to love him at that) just make me feel better about the whole situation.

No one knows what I'm feeling. Even though it hurts, I keep repeating. I can't stop, love, love, love. (Epik High, Love Love Love) I tend to repeat my love goings. I sometimes I think I love people so quickly (with receiving no love in return, it's different if I would get emotions back) is because I try to bury my past relationship in a false one. Each fangirl has their own reason for falling in love with an idol, but whatever it is, am I the only one that thinks that I'll forever be alone because of these feelings I have for men I've never really met?

I know I can't have you, but you're always in my head. Even though I can't touch you, it's just wishful thinking. I can't say it, watching from far away, you know I do, I Love You, even though you don't know who I am. (Epik High, Fan) Even if I'm just a fangirl, my feelings sometime seem like the are truer than true. And because of that, I'll still say "I love you" to your picture before I fall asleep. It seems obsessive (I'm not going to put in a defense because it totally is), but to me, the one who has so much love for someone who doesn't even know me, it's comforting. It's comforting to fall asleep to false sense that you are here holding me. Thoughts of kissing you tonight, I hold my pillow tighter.

If it gets rid of my evil thoughts, and helps me calm down, why not believe it? So because of that I do love you. My love for you is buried under the world's love, for you, you're not listening, I will never be allowed to love you. In the next life we would live separate lives, but I want you so much I can't go back. When I hear your upset what can I do for you? Nothing. But when I'm upset you help me out easily, it's the way things go with a one sided love right? Why aren't you smiling today? I hope nothing is wrong. I wish I could take your pain away, but I can't... And that saddens me. If I ask you how you are doing would you answer me? Hug me? I can't reach you, touch you, or hold you.

So what does possess a fangirl to fall in love with an idol? Why would an innocent girl fall in love with a man who would never return their love? Why would she suffer by getting strange looks for who she loves? Why does this happen? Even in my dreams, people dissaprove. They say I'm crazy, if I erase the world that would make you mine. Why would I lose you to anybody else? I'll make it so that you'll only look at me. I'll give you everything when we kiss. I'll give you everything so that you can never leave me.

Even if I'm just another person to add to the "I LOVE ____" list, to me, these feelings are real. But why am I different from somebody who has never felt this before? Why should I have to wish I was with him, and soon realize that it'll never be?