I got that quote from Boys Before Flowers. Sometimes I think that this is a huge problem in my life that keeps coming up so I want it out; but now I know that it's not. It's a life story, and even it I do want to erase it; I can't because it's a stain.
This is my 3rd year anniversary of James Allen Fraynes's death. He commited suicide three years ago on April 27, 2007 by overdosing and or cutting himself to pieces. I think the hardest part about his death is not nowing what killed him first. It didn't help that most of his blood was on his mattress included with vomit and many other bodily fuids that they couldn't make a deffinete answer. But either way he's still gone.
I still blame myself for not picking up on it. I mean he did talk about killing himself I just never took him seriously. As much as I rag myself for not being able to keep James alive I know it wasn't my fault. I know it was a decision he made on his own. But it still hurts to think about it.
James would always make me smile, it never failed for a cute out burst of emotion to come out at any given moment. I can clearly remember the week he before he left for New York he stood on top of his car screaming to the world: "I AM THE ST. JIMMY, AND THIS HIS MY WHATSERNAME. WE ARE THE BIRTH OF EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. WE WILL FLY AWAY AND LOVE EACH OTHER UNTIL OUR DYING DAY."
James could never picture himself loving. It was the awkward thing. But he'd always say I love you. In the weirdest way he'd show his love through Green Day and Beatles songs, and whenever we'd watch Moulin Rouge, he'd sing all of Chirstians part (after my first ten times watching the movie of course) and I'd sing Satines. I don't think I ever pictured it being him that died and not me. Other than that, I still strongly believe that my first romance has an entire movie dedicated to it.
Last night while driving home from work "Come What May" started to play from the CD I had in there. I sang with all my might to Satine's part. And I was amazed. I actually sang her harmony and correct part for the first time in years. I was so happy that when I pulled into my garage I continued to let the CD play and ended up crying so hard.
Even though thinking about it makes me wonder if you love someone; why could they even think of leaving you? I now know that he did it for himself. He's always lived for other people, and as weird as it sounds, this was the best thing he could have done for himelf. I can't even keep a straight face saying it, I almost feel like crying because I'm admitting his life was hell enough to end it...
James met the world to me and he still does. Sometimes I cry at night knowing I will never have him back. I just hope that someone on this planet can accept that and still love me. I want the world to know that even though James did use drugs, drink, swear and could be so rude, he was the nicest person ever. He cared for people like no other, and his heart was big enough to love everybody having problems and try helping them through it all. If it wasn't for his mother, I strongly believe James and now his brother would still be alive today.
I still feel him looking over me protecting me. I used to think it was haunting me, but I know it's not. He's looking with me for someone to love me. And sometimes he points me in the wrong direction but slowly we come back to a similar ground.
Dear James,
How are you? Are they treating you good up there? I know your probably the angel that gets the most crap from everybody. But I hope you realize I was right in saying God loves you.
Earth isn't that fun anymore. I miss you like mad, and everything that has happened to me because of your death rags on me everyday. As you know, no matter how much I love you I can never forive you for leaving me. I remember when you told me everything would be okay when you left for New York, and it wasn't. But I can't hold that against you.
I don't talk to your family that much anymore. But Tim assures me that everything is good. I hope so, I bet you know more than I do.
I still remember when I first heard, my heart dropped. And now it drops when I think or even menton your name. But I'm getting better I'm promise. I guess I just wanted to say this year, that no matter where I go, no matter what I do I will still love and think of you. Were you proud of me last night? You heard me sing right? I did it for once. I think I could hear you sing with it, your voice never was the best but it always made me smile.
Don't be afraid that I'm slowly moving on. I'll always remember you. You saw my tattoo right? I got it for you and Rye. I hope you like it. It's a part of me that will always be yours. And when I cover my heart to touch it, I feel like your holding it making it pump to keep me living. I love you James and don't forget it. But somedays I know I need to get over you, it just feels like a burden keeping all this pain in my heart and mind.
Well, in the long run of it I still love you Jimmy...No, I grew up when you did: James. James keep others strong and continue to watch over me protecting me. When I close my eyes and hear your screams or hear Rye's shots stop them. When I hear Eddy constantly yelling "It was your fault he died" while holding me down, rip him off and tell him no. I don't blame you for anything that happened after you left. We all miss you...No. I miss you guys...all of you. I mean it.
Love and miss you so much babe.
Xiao Ling