Ya~ It seems to be forever since that night. I guess I've tried to forget about it. I can't stop blamming myself for it. I guess it is though right!? I didn't think I could do that stuff anymore, but I did. It took all of my strength do down what I did. But something stopped me. As if in that one moment it all reached my stomach, the pain was just way too much and I threw it all up. It was like the One video...Where Tablo whispers into her ear and she wakes up. It was like that for me. And the voice was someone I needed to hear.
I had been trying to get a hold of Xiao Ling, but I knew it would stress her out too much. I kept on reading what you were screaming at me. I couldn't realize it. But it seemed as if the minute those pills touched me, I could here you screaming at me. So when you came, I was so afraid. I was so ashamed, I couldn't believe I had done that. I couldn't believe I was going to leave you forever.
This kind of leaving is different no? I'm trying to make it easier for you for when I move off to college. Maybe I should have done it a different way. But I'm not ashamed of it anymore. Being in this relationship has taught me a lot. I've learned at how to look at things from back when I was going through it all. I did have it easy. I didn't have to see James all over another person. Even though I forbid that behavior with Preston. Small things like hugs and holding hands is all we do. I feel like it's showing that I have strenght, that I've grown up.
I feel sorry for leaving her like that. Making her sit through it all. I'd just wish she'd see how much I think about her. Even when doing projects for other people, I did whatever I could to sneak her in there to make her feel good. Now that my birthday is coming up I have to start finalizing plans to the cities. I'm afraid it's going to have to be March 6th that we go. I was hoping it would be in between Xiao Huo's and Mine, but Walmart didn't like that idea. I dont' know whether or not to bring her. I want to make her feel like she's welcome I just don't want the four of us to be awkward. Since it seems like Xiao Huo is on her side. Ha~ Silly me.
I'm afraid that I am leaving her. But I'm hoping I'm giving her time to adjust. I never try to do anything to hurt her, that inturn would hurt me. I don't exactly know what she's going through but my promise is still clear. I will always be here for her whether she likes it or not. No matter what, I wil talk with her, but lately our friendship is flaking, and we don't talk anymore. I hope Xiao Huo and Xiao Ling take care of her. Since I can't. I guess I'm all caught up in this whole relationship thing, and the whole Youngstown thing. I'm really nervous for it all. But no. I can't let anyone know. I have to be strong so she'll be okay. I'll hide everything for when she's feeling good...if that ever happens. I just feel like I'm taking away all her friends, when I know it's not true. I hope she's okay though, otherwise I'm so scared. Whenever her door is closed for a long time and she doesn't talk to me I fear the worse. Every loud crash I have to shake the thought of a dead body laying on the floor.
But I know that something stopped me. So something will have to stop her. Because if you have support from friends and loved ones, nothing like that will happen. Besides, going through that all again for a 4th time doesn't seem too much fun. The only difference. I'd be able to feel the could dead body and see the warm hautning blood. And because of that, I would never forgive anybody. I would soon follow...
I want her to know, that I'll always be at her side pushing her along. I hope that I can help her grow and help her become a better person. I hope I can still be there for her. But isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Elders take care of their youngers? Nah~ not to me. Sometimes, they need more help then magnae's do no? Ya~ Hyung-nim. You don't have to be in a relationship to love somebody. Every inch of my being, loves my Hyung, my Noona, my Jester, my Kangin, my Xiao Kong. I care so much about her, even if it doesn't feel like that.
Xiao Ling~ you can feel my truth right? Xiao Huo you feel how worried I am right? Ah~ Then take care of her!
Xiao Ling