this is just something i've always wanted to doAs I sit here writing this I can feel my heart getting heavier and heavier. 4 years ago I did something that should have ended my life. But now I am alive and living an almost amazing life. Even though I am currently planning on continuing my life in Youngstown, OH to make it to the next step many things have come up.
I can't help but to think what would have happened if four years ago I did die. For one, I know I would not have made an impact on some people's life, and my family household could be better off. Withouth an extra mouth to feed and take care of, my family would have enough money to function properly. I also know I wouldn't be causing my friends so much pain.
If it wasn't for me the pain that Jackie is currently feeling wouldn't have existed. Maybe she would have been better off. I cannot be the judge of that. I know that I wouldn't have twisted my ways around her to make her feel the way that I have done, and am doing. I hope she continues to live happily without me by her side.
If it wasn't for me, Elizabeth wouldn't feel like she does. I hope I'm not effecting anything in her life. I hope she'll be fine, but I know there is a lot of stress on her. And even if I'm not the cause of that, I still feel guilty for not being there for her. I should be there for her as she as been there for me. I wish that there was a way to improve your 'friend' skills but frankly, I can't find that line. God, please watch over her and take are of her. Let her know that people care about her even if we don't voice out our opinions. Please guide her through this part in her life as she gets ready for the One Act performances, the lead in the Musical coming up, and finding the perfect college for her.
I hope Sarah is doing fine as well. I haven't been talking to her lately. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the future. But while I'm not here, I hope her future works out just as she wants to. I hope that she finds a true, pure love that will make everything correct
I'm failing at being a friend to a lot of people. Sara, I was honored to be her maid of honor, but I haven't done anything to get that title. Chelsea, I look at her as my sister, but I can't even go see her? I can't even talk to her on a daily bases? Katreina, I love hanging out with her, and trying to get to know her more, but I never make the first move. Cody, I just walk all over him asking him to take me places, and then make him feel awkward. Preston, doubting him. Leading him on? I'm not even sure anymore.
I'm sorry to everyone who I ever hurt, worried, or made it feel like I didn't care about them. I love my friends and family so much. But I think this is the way it's going to be from now on. No Ida sounds is starting to sound like a beautiful idea the more I think about it.
I hope everyone lives a healthy, long life; with or without me in their life.
Xiao Ling