I never see the date anymore, just the words. I guess blocking out the past doesn't always work. I'm tired of fearing the day, but whenever it comes I can never sleep. I guess I'm still attached to him with no signs of ever being free. Maybe I will. I hope I will. I'm tired of my swooping moods.
On April 27th, 2006 my love of my life at the time took his life at 3:04 am. I was merely sitting around second hour my freshman year. I was called to the office immediately. As any freshman was, I was scared, even after being in the high school for almost a year I had never once, EVER been to the office. I briskly walked down the hallway and strolled into the room when they handed me a slip of paper and told me to go. The paper simply read "Call Home". So I did. My dad told me that one of my Friend's parents had called and wanted me to call him. So I did, again. I called Tim quickly and when he picked up the phone I couldn't understand him. He was out of breath and was trying to explain something. He uttered a small phrase and I had to hang up the phone. "James committed suicide." At that moment my body was flooded with fear. I was so afraid of what was going on.
James was sent off to New York earlier that year. He had told me that we'd keep contact, and we did. He never seemed down, but with being sent into foster care, he never really cared much about what he did. I couldn't even comprehend any reason why he would have taken his life leaving me behind.
The rest of the day in school I was silent. I didn't tell anyone until I got more information. I didn't do any homework and each second I was trying to hold back a flood of tears. Somehow, I managed to get through they day. I rode silently on the bus my iPod playing back +44. I guess I realized right then and there that James had left me.
When I got home I checked my e-mail. It was flooded with messages from Tim, Ryan, Eddy, Dave, Courtney, and Rye. I read them all and cried harder and harder. It was true. James was gone. Ryan's had a link to one another email address once I clicked on it it led me to the email that he had recieved from Courtney. It was an apology letter.
Courtney was James's roommate in the apartment. She had pictures of what had happened, the police report, and James's suicide letter. The letter was half covered and blood and was hard to read, and the pictures distorted the perfect image I had held James up in my mind. His body was stomach down on the blood soaked mattress and trickles of blood came down his arm, waist, and leg. His head was on his side covered in blood, and a bottle of tylenol was laying open on the floor with red dots.
I can never forget the pictures. I can never forget his face. How much pain he was in when he died. I know he caused it himself but after seeing it, I don't know if I'll ever get it out of my mind.
To this day on the week before, of, and after, I cannot look into the mirror. When I get up to take a bathroom I turn on the sink to block out noices I heard when I slept, and I avoid looking into mirrors for a long amount of time. I have common nightmares about him, making me lose a lot of sleep, and I have flashbacks as if I was in the room with him.
I hate these times. I hate them so much. I hate him so much. He left me when I needed him the most. And now, I lose sleep, my appitate, and I shut down more more than I should. I guess it's something I'll have to work with. I can't just ignore it. I just hope tonight I can sleep. I only slept for about 3 hours last night.
Anyway. Rest In Peace James Allen Fraynes. I do miss you. I still see you. I still think of you. Just please, Rest in Peace and leave me alone. I'm tired of it all, it's been 3 years, shouldn't you just relax now?
I love you James~
And thank you for all of you who help me through these times. Thank you to those who are always with me. And thank you Xiao Ling and Xiao Kong for being with me even though my mood changes too much. Thank. You.
Little Death
Preformed by +44
Lyrics by Mark Hoppus
Please sleep, my darling, sleep.
Your cry for inspiration, never reaches ears on distant stars.
And every night our lonely planet slides across the universe.
And I won't pretend I understand.
Please sleep, my darling, sleep.
Your death by information won't disturb the peace on distant stars.
And even when you lock the doors and slide behind the unlit shades,
None of us are strangers anymore.
So fall asleep with the windows open.
Come to me with the worst you've said and done.
You'll close your eyes and see me.A little death makes life more meaningful.
I stand no chance at all.
Please sleep, my darling, sleep.
Your car crash in slow motion won't upset the pace on distant stars.
And one by one our years of our lives stumble as the moments pass.
So please hold on.
Please hold on.
So fall asleep with the windows open.
Come to me with the worst you've said and done.
You'll close your eyes and see me.
A little death makes life more meaningful.
I stand no chance at all.
Please sleep, my darling, sleep.
Please sleep, my darling, sleep.
So fall asleep with the windows open.
Come to me with the worst you've said and done.
You'll close your eyes and see me.
A little death makes life more meaningful.
I stand no chance at all.
Xiao Ling