Livin' In The SHINee World

Saturday, March 14, 2009

r.i.p rye ♥ @ 6:10:00 PM

Blink-182 All Of This

With all of this I know now
Everything inside of my head
It all just goes to show how
Nothing I know changes me at all
Again I waited for this to change instead
To tear the world in two
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
We know where we go
Use me Holly come on and use me
We go where we know

With all of this I feel now
Everything inside of my heart
It all just seems to be how
Nothing I feel pulls at me at all
Again I waited for this to pull apart
To break my time in two
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
We know where we go
Use me Holly come on and use me
We go where we know

She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting
She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting you
I'm always wanting you
I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
We know where we go
Use me Holly come on and use me
We go where we know

She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting
She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting you

And all again I wait for this
To fill a whole, to shake the sky in two
Another night with her
I'm always wanting you
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Sometimes you have those songs that haunt you and help you through everything. For the longest time last year it was this song. With "All Of You" by Blink-182 and "Little Death" by +44, last year I felt more whole then I ever had. Last year someone very important, someone very close to me died. It was really unexpected too. I felt like he was going to make it to April before breaking down. I guess he just couldn't handle it anymore. He left me hanging all alone.

Last year on March 14th 2008 Rye Christian Fraynes committed suicide leaving me alone only 43 days before his brothers anniversary. At that point I felt like my life was falling into tiny pieces that I couldn't pick up. I felt like Rye had left me because I wasn't good enough. But now a year later, and after having the same thoughts that he did, I know that wasn't it. The way he left was so hard, and so quickly I didn't have the time to think about anything. Once again my life was plunged in a deep depression.

I now look back today only to be reminded of what I didn't have. Back then I didn't have the trust in people I know have. I couldn't see that XK was there for me. I didn't have X0 to lean on as much, and I was hiding my past that I thought I had left back in Alec. But now, I realize, after Rye's death I have a lot of things I should either thank him for or hate him for.

Positives:
I now see Xiao Kong clearly.
I now have Xiao Ling (whether or not we're talking).
I got to see who my real friends where.
I had a chance to let go of everything that was holding be back.

Negatives:
I felt like I had no one left and everyone was leaving me.
I lost all the happiness I once had.
I was accused by Eddy and Ryan that I had killed both Rye and James.
Ryan died 5 months after Rye.
I was raped by Eddy 5 months after Rye and Ryan died.

It may seem like the negatives out weight the positives but actually it doesn't. With these friends I have now, and the way I see life I know for sure that I am meant to be here. I know I'm broken but I still have people who want me and want to help me. I love those people too much to hurt myself or my dreams again.

Thank You.

R.I.P Rye Christian Fraynes ♥
May Your Soul Rest In Peace ♥

Jia You Ai Tian

Ai Yi Tian
Kim Iseul

iseul;
aitian

샤이니 ★ SHINee