Tuesday, January 27, 2009
i hate turning off @ 10:12:00 AM
I Hate Turning Off
It's not like I try to. It's just when somethings are being said, I automatically shut down. Like the other night. I'm trying to go to sleep and XK is next to me. I just jokingly say 'you hate me' and my brain just freezes. I'm not sure why it did but it did. And it hurt.
My mind flashed. It seemed like I was arguing with James. I always argued with him. Day and Night about it. But then XK asked me something "Why Do You Think I Hate You?" I automatically thought "Because no one could ever love me". And That's when I shut off. I could see James standing next to me, I was holding his arm begging him not to go and he looked back at me. His arm slid through my hands and looked into my eyes. "How could you ever love me?" I just sat there not saying what came to my mind. "I've used you, got you in a terrible lifestyle, I make you lie to your parents, I keep you from your friends. Why are you still here?" I just stared at him. I knew everything he said was so correct but I just denied it, still not saying a word. "Babe, let go. I've hurt you too much, you can't love me." And he walked away. I sat there for a while thinking over everything and I cried the hardest I had ever cried (of course this was before he died). I knew that he hurt me. I knew it all. I just didn't want to see it because I was in love with him. I could have spent my entire year with him and not cared about a single thing. I would've been okay with it all. I didn't care that he used me. I did it to make him happy. My parents knew what was going on (just now the whole drug aspect of things, thanks dave). I did everything I could to let him know that I loved him.
But Last night I shut off. Because this time the tables where turned. I was making XK feel like that. How could I care so much about Luka (asshole), while XK had been there for me BEFORE James died. She was there when Arica, heck even Zach left. She was there. She was always on the side, trying to do stuff for me. And now, when her mother is dying (i think she's getting better though!) she's with me. All the time. It's like, do I really mean that much to you? I just don't get how I could be that much needed by anyone.
And then I had to turn on Yiruma, I didn't want it all to happen again. I hated flashbacks. But they happened. Slight noises scare me, and a sudden brightness freaks me out. Everything had to be dark besides my changing light. I just had to hear my Yiruma. But the Flashbacks happened. I was freaking out. I hated it. And today, I'm still shut off. I don't know why. It's just like I won't turn back on. I hate it. SO MUCH. Ohwell.
Whatever.
I know Xiao Kong and Xiao Ling will be there for me. Turned On or Off.
Jia You Ai Tian
Kim Iseul
Ai Yi Tian
iseul;
ai tian
샤이니 ★ SHINee
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xiao tian has a wish; don't you?
☀ 365 Reasons To Smile
☀ The chance to meet Chord
☀ See Super Junior Live again
☀ To have a FERRIS WHEEL TOUR with my dear X0
☀ Amazing Knowledge of Chinese, Taiwanese, Korean, and Japanese
☀ I've eaten 81 airplanes.
☀ I've wished on 56 ramen bowls.
Xiao Ling