I don't really know what it is right now. I'm crying though. I think it's because today I opened my eyes on a lot of things. In six months I will be a Maid Of Honor standing next to a great friend of mine. She'll be crying saying her vows, and she'll be so happy. I'll give a speech wishing her happiness, and hoping her the best, thanking her for being there for me. I'll look back at that, hoping that one day I can do the same. I really hope I can.
But I don't think I ever will. My fangirl will get the best of me and I will never fall in love. Right now I am in deep love with two people. Mr. Henry Lau, who is amazing in every way possible. Just seeing him through the computer makes my heart beat, and when drama starts up involving him, I get worked up about it. Maybe that's the fangirl? And on the other side of things I am in a deep powerful with Gillian Leigh Dvorin (Luka). Today I found myself panicking over a relationship status change on facebook. Luka randomly went from single to married. It scared the shit out of me. I've never been able to tell Luka how I really feel. I enjoy writing letters because I just think of what Luka does when Luka reads it. I hope there are smiles. Whenever we talk online my heart races just thinking someone as perfect as that is talking to me. To think that someone has helped through so much, and yet so little still cares about me. When we leave each other little 'ily' `s I get so happy. The other day Luka went on webcam and made me a heart. I was so happy I was ready to cry. We always talk about seeing each other and I hope it does. I've always wondered what Luka thought about me, but that's okay, I'm doubting it's love back, but that's okay. I'll always be a Hen Hen for a Bum Bum (":
Love is such a hard thing. I've had someone loving me for the longest time. But I've always ignored them. I've always been looking on up to James or Rye. Look where that's gotten me. I'm crying, depressed wishing I could have that back. When in reality they're there loving me no matter what. I think that makes me feel like I can use them. So I make myself believe that I love them. But in reality. I just need them there for a comfort, when I'm crying they should be here for me. When I'm breaking down, they should be there for me. And what do I do to them? Nothing. I'm sorry I can never return their feelings, but there is one thing that is true. I do care about them. Not what they bring me but in general, them.
I often think my parents don't love me. They always push me so much. I never get any slack, and I always get yelled at. But maybe it's their way of love. I'm not sure, but if it is, I dislike it a lot.
I love how there are so many ways to say "i love you". It's such an over used expression. I hope that one day, no matter who they are, they can look me in the eyes and say "I Love You" ; "Saranghaeyo" ; "Wo Ai Ni". I hope that one day I can look into someone's eyes and repeat the same thing to them. I just hope it comes, because I don't want to be lonely forever. Until then. I'm okay with crying. Just crying. Nothing else. No pills. No vomiting. No stories. No nothing. Just me, and my tears~
P.S;
Listening to Tears while writing this blog, made me cry even more. And it feels soooo goood.
P.P.S;
Don't worry XL. I'm okay. I'm alive. No self harm (":
jia you, ai tian
Kim Iseul
Ai Yi Tian
iseul;
ai tian
Xiao Ling