i hate doing this
i really do
i hate going to work
i hate making money to make my parents happy
i hate going to school
i hate having an idea that i might go to college
i hate thinking that i have a future
because it all comes down to the same thing
i don't want a future
i want my past back
i want to be sitting on the couch staring at the wall while rye is playing video games
james as my pillow holding me, tracing his finger on my shoulder
arica laughing really loudly
james parents making us cook horrid food
james smiling back at me
eddy telling fart and poop jokes
ryan talking to me as we drove incredibly drunk people home after a late night
i want it all back
it really doesn't help when people like eddy's dad see's me at walmart
it was awkward he stared at me when he entered the doors as i was people greeting
he smiled and waved and walked passed
i was then ready to leave and he comes down my line
making small talk
telling me how him and his wife are doing
and telling me how eddy is doing
telling me how much it hurts to see his son going to jail
telling me how much he misses james and rye and how it was all my faulting
telling me how much i've hurt the entire group
and you know what i could believe it all
because i hate myself
i want to get over this all
i want to feel loved again
i want it all to go away
i want a new group of friends
but in reality
i blame myself so much for what happened to james that i will never get over it
i want to think that as much as they say they really care
but if i don't care why do they
you know?
i really wish i could believe kangin loved me at one point
i wish i could believe your words
your touches
everything
but everything of you
reminds me of james
every night you help me get to sleep
i die
because i feel like your him
and i break down
every
single
fucking
time
and hyukjae?
i don't even know on that
i'm just a leaner because you think no one loves you
your feelings are false
and your so shallow
get over yourself
your so loud and you give me a headache all the time
back of and give me some space
and then
there is the most precious person in my life
xiao ling
saving me once is a lot
saving me from a life i want to return to is insane
but saving me from myself?
i put so much pressure on you
and when i'm down like this
it rips you apart
what kind of friend am i to just sit here
and not change
making you suffer
it makes me feel even more worse
lets go back in time so you never meet me
so i'm a stranger in the hallways
and you can be so happy with other people that don't hurt you
is it so much to ask for one thing
is is so much to want one thing?
i just want to leave
i want to go far far far away
like korea
i'll change my name
change my face
change everything
and live life alone helping myself to everything
i'll make sure no one remembers me
that way
i can't hurt other people
because thats all it seems like i can do
so why not go away
you know?
i just can't
i can't let everyone feel like me
i can't let them feel like me
i can't let them become me
that's why
i have to go back in time
and make sure i go with james
to make sure that i'm the one who leaves
and not him
to make sure no one else does
to make sure i don't change anyone else's life
because i can't handle it anymore
i hate love
i really do
i just want to fall in love
i want them to make me feel as if i was amazing
a princess
the best thing ever
i want to feel how i felt with james
i want someone to tell me i'm worth it
i'm tired of being led on and getting ripped apart
i wish i was a bit good looking on that point too
because that way it could be possible
i seriously wish to go back
it's all i want
i could be in love then right?
because seriously no one loves me
no one cares
it's all a web of lies
and i'm caught in it and can't get out
i need help
but no one can help me
i need to be saved
but no one can save me
i need to go away
but no one can take me
i just want it all to end
i want a new life now please?
please...
Xiao Ling