it feels good to be back blog (:
it's almost 3am and i woke up from a nightmare
read my messages and smiled
so i changed my blog just for xiao ling
and i decided why not write a blog for when she wakes up
my hands are cold and i've found myself ignoring all types of puncuation
and capitalization oh well a blog is a blog

anyway merry christmas for my christian friends
and happy holidays to the rest of you
my christmas blows
again i have gone out of my way for my family
and all i get in return is "shovel the sidewalks" "buy your own stuff"
so i did.
but i'm not going to complain
i had the biggest surprise on tuesday

when i reached school mega early in the morning
i had found my locker COMPLETELY covered in notes
wrapper paper (which i didn't notice until i opened my locker)
and the most amazing comic ever
my face went from " : |" to ": )"
then when i reached my locker and actually saw it
it went from ": )" to ": DDD"
while taking my history test i was too busy being all
": D" and ": 3" reszel asked why i was happy
i just said i had the greatest christmas gift ever
gave him my assignments and my test and left
orginally i had planned on bringing a family friend to st. cloud that day
but when i returned from school my mother told me i would be staying home
because i had to work
so i knew i had to leave the school before 8
i roamed around and dropped off my gifts for xiao kong to hand out
(sorry i was not there to hand them out myself)
and then went back to my locker all ": 33333"
i opened it getting my book and other things i thought i might need
and started taking off some of the notes (and the amazing comic) off
i looked at it after a while and realized just HOW MUCH STUFF WAS ON IT
i was full of smiles
i figure i'd leave the pictures on there so everyone knew that i had the best friends ever
i then roamed around part of the school looking for xiao ling but failed
i slowly walked down to the art room doors and left
hoping i'd run into her on my freezing trip down to my car
nothing
i returned home parking my car and my mom bluntly going:
"your not going to st. cloud, you get the day off"
so i had breakfast, but while i drank my strawberry milk slowly
i opened up the folder i had put everything
in and started to read
i couldn't stop smiling my cheeks were SO SORE from smiling
i knew it was a good thing
i then opened the actual letter that came with it and re-read it
i took in everything and smiled
i knew that xiao ling and i did have more than asians to stay close
we were sisters
no we are sisters
we need each other and in every way possible
that's exactly what i wanted for christmas
i know don't have to doubt myself because i know we have a stronger bond
okay so i cried reading that card but i sucked it up finished my milk
and looked at the time
ten minuets to eight
i knew xiao ling would've arrived at her locker by this time
so i called her phone hoping she'd pick up
so i ended up leaving her a message

but then my stomach dropped
she had gone out of her way for me
and what did i do for her
nothing in reality
i love xiao ling
i really do
but i feel like i'll drag her down
but that note
made my mind go wild
i laid down and took a nap
nightmares haunted me
something wasn't right

the night before i had been talking to rats (who makes me smile)
and i was listening to my music
my song came on
and it had changed
it haunted me
i was so afraid that something happened to xiao ling
and when i took that nap
i feared that she left me
she died
everything
and i knew that i cared more about her than myself
and to me that's perfectly okay
because i need her
maybe she doesn't need me but i need her

so for everything that christmas is worth
i'd love to take xiao ling to singapore
take her to the singapore flyer
ride up to the top and scream
"LIFE COULDN'T GET BETTER"
and it really couldn't
i'd be shedding my past
i'd be with xiao ling
and we would both be so happy
and truly
both of our dreams would be complete

so here's this to you xiao ling
i know i often get depressed
but as long as your in an earshot i'll be okay
as long as i have my music to hide the pain i'll be okay
as long as i can take drives with you i'll be okay
as long as i know i am loved by someone i'll be okay
as long as i have a goal in life i'll be okay
(yours maybe a ferris wheel but mine is just reaching korea D: )
and no matter what i say or don't say
you'll always be at the top of my thoughts
all day you might have thought why i wasn't there
but all i day i thought 'what about next year'
2009 will have more smiles
new york
less crying
new york
more obessions (danson's album kthnx)
new york
me getting off time at walmart
new york
trips to willmar and drives
new york
singing loudly at the top of our lungs
new york
getting a new look on life
and most importantly new york (:
so let's make 2009 amazing

jai you ai tian!

iseul;
ai tian


p.s.
i'm sorry i wasn't at school
i'm sorry you couldn't see me
i'm sorry it seemed like i was ignoring you
enjoy your christmas xiao ling~